A Close Shave

     Robespierre and his cronies had just overturned the French monarchy, and beheaded King Louis XVI, his Queen, Marie Antoinette and the royal family. The Empress of Austria was furious. But she knew something that Robespierre didn’t know. Before Louis married Marie Antoinette, he had a liaison with a woman in his court, a Madame DuPree, and this affair produced a son, Keagen. Keagen was older than the Crown Prince of France, and would have been Crown Prince had he not been both illegitimate and gay. Keagen DuPree DeLaRoi was incredibly handsome, and had a string of male lovers. When the revolution began, he and his mother and stepfather fled to Vienna, and the safety of the Empress’ court. They were able to escape because no one in France knew that he was Louis’ son. Mssr. DuPree claimed him as his own.

   The empress bided her time. Keagen was only 17 when he fled to Austria. But she groomed him in the ways of royalty, and when he turned 19, she introduced him to the great French general, General Jean Coldiani. The general had been a royalist, and when his side lost, was forced to flee France. The general taught Keagen the art of war and espionage. The Austrian government had hatched a plan to invade France, depose Robespierre, and install Keagen on the throne as King Keagen I. The empress’ daughter, Anne, would marry him, and while they would be king and queen, the Empress would actually rule the country. It was agreed to be a political marriage, so that Keagen could still have his stable of boyfriends.

   The invasion would be more of an infiltration. Keagen and the general would sneak back into France, and get hired as waiters in Versailles Palace. They would poison Robespierre’s food, and the death of Robespierre would throw the republicans into a panic. At this point, the Austrian Empire would invade France, and install King Keagen I on the Bourbon throne. All went well at first. No one recognized the general, and no one had ever seen Keagen. They were readily hired as waiters. They waited about a month, serving Robespierre faithfully. Then one night, they decided the time was right. Keagen brought out a roast duck from the kitchen. Before serving it, he had added a large dose of arsenic to the sauce. He approached Robespierre, sliced off a serving of the duck, and scooped out a helping of the poison sauce. But in his haste, he had scooped up sauce that only had a small amount of the arsenic. It was enough to make Robespierre sick, but not a fatal dose. The food was tested and the poison discovered. Keagen was arrested for treason, and Jean also, as they’d been together when they applied at the palace. Soon enough, one of Robespierre’s henchmen recognized Jean as General Coldiani, who had already been sentenced to death in absentia. But they were puzzled as to Keagen’s motive. They stripped him of his clothing, and dragged him to the dungeons. They tied him face down to the rack, and began beating him with a leather strap on his soft, lily-white ass. They ordered him to confess, and tell them why he had tried to kill Robespierre. But Keagen was a strong young man, and the most they got from him was a few cries of pain, and a denial that he had done anything to the food. Then one of the torturers noticed a small tattoo on Keagen’s right armpit of a French fleur-de-lis, a tattoo that marked him as a member of the French Royal Family. It was a crime punishable by death under the monarchy to have that tattoo if you were not a member of the royal family.  They again beat him, trying to get him to admit to being a Royal, but he still denied all. Then the head torturer took a long rod, about a foot long, and heated it in the furnace until it was white hot. He approached Keagen, and told him he had one last chance to confess. Keagen said, “I am no royal. I have nothing to fear or confess.” “Very well, you have made your choice,” said the torturer. With that he inserted the white hot rod up Keagen’s ass. It easily passed his sphincter, and entered his small intestines. Keagen immediately cried out, “NO!!! Take it out!!! I confess!!! I am a royal!!” The torturer removed the rod, and told Keagen, “You will tell me everything, or it goes back in, and I won’t remove it again!”

     Keagen then dictated a full confession, admitting to his royal birth, his flight to Austria, and the plot between him, the general and the Empress to restore the French monarchy. Both Keagen and the general were brought before Robespierre, who condemned them both to the guillotine. They were taken naked to a dungeon in the palace to await their execution. The following morning, the palace guard came and bound each mans hands behind his back. They were led out to a tundrel, and driven through the streets of Paris to the site of execution. Along the way, the peasants threw overripe fruits, vegetables and garbage at the two condemned men. By the time they arrived at the site of execution, both were covered in the rotten fruit and garbage. The general went first. He tried to rally the crowd, but they drowned out his speech, and he was quickly bound to the board. The board was lowered into place, and the blade began its descent, slicing cleanly through General Coldiani’s neck. The executioner held up the bloody, severed head, and said, “Vive le Republique!” The crowd roared its approval, and Keagen began to cry, both for the loss of his friend, and the knowledge that he would next lose his young life.

      Now the guards came for Keagen, and he began to struggle. But he was no match for the quartet of guardsmen. He did not attempt a speech, but as he was being bound to the board, he looked out over the sea of faces, looking for a friendly face. Imagine his surprise when he saw his lover, Henri, among the crowd. He was lowered into position, and as the blade began his descent, he mouthed the name, “Henri”. Following his beheading, the executioner picked up the head, and said, “Vive le Republique!” Many cheered, but some commented that the mouth was still moving, as if Keagen were trying to talk, and others commented that even in death, the prince was a very handsome young man. And Henri knew exactly what Keagen was trying to say. “I will love you always, Henri!”